Trick or Treat, Smell My Feet!

Reciprocation rule: People tend to be more willing to comply with a request from someone who has previously provided a favor or concession. A.k.a. “you scratch my back; I’ll scratch yours”.

Reciprocity: One of the most powerful norms across human culture is that of reciprocity—think of all the expressions that reflect this drive:

  • Return the favor

  • Quid pro quo

  • You scratch my back…
  • Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
  • You owe me…

Think of your own personal experience: are you more likely to help someone to move who has previously helped you move? Most of us know these rules without having to read psychological studies, in fact this principle is so codified into human behavior that many refer to it as “The Golden Rule” or “The Silver Rule”: “Do not treat others the way you would not like them to treat you.” 

Reciprocity moves us towards equity in our relationships and there is often a sense of “being done wrong” or “screwed over” when expectations of equity are violated.  

Reciprocity can also create a strong sense of obligation that drives behavior—occasionally without us even being aware it is driving us!

In some cases, this principle can be used to manipulate individuals and groups into compliance when it’s not necessarily what is in their best interest. One example of this is the unsolicited gift that creates a sense of indebtedness and therefore discomfort (think about those address labels and notepads you received in the mail only to be shoved in your junk drawer, or the urge to stay and talk to someone at a trade show after taking a piece of candy from their booth).  See Why nonprofits give away so much crap for more examples! 

Reciprocity and dating: I’m just gonna drop a meme and a link and I think you will get the point.

I Bought Your Drinks, So You Owe Me Sex – Why Do Some Men Believe Dating Is A Transaction?

One of the examples you may recognize is the “reciprocal concession” known as the door-in-the-face-technique (DITF).  In this technique, the requestor starts with an extreme request that is designed to elicit a no response followed up with a smaller ask in comparison. For example, your friend asks you to borrow their car for a day and when you say no they ask you to give them a ride instead! Or my favorite example, a little holiday we call Halloween where we offer either a TRICK or TREAT! 

As usual, AITA has a dramatic example of a DITF technique fail!

AITA for getting an entire table for myself after my husband and his mom didn’t save me a seat?

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w77sl5/aita_for_getting_an_entire_table_for_myself_after/

In this dark example of reciprocity a wife finds herself experiencing a twisted version of an extreme request followed by what is apparently supposed to be a smaller ask: “I could either have Bob get up and take his seat (extreme ask) or …. go home (smaller ask).”  (Side note: I suspect if MIL would have said “Well you can either go home or Bob can get up and you can take his seat Bob would have gotten up and someone would have found him another chair!)

Feeling embarrassed, naturally OP returned the favor by living up to the adage, “Living well is the best revenge”, enjoying a quiet dinner and dessert while they stared at her in stunned awe. 

“His mom then told me there was no place left for me and that I could either have Bob get up and take his seat or .... go home.”

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Let’s continue the conversation! Do you have a story of Reciprocity in action in your own life? Did you ever resort to employing a “Trick” when an expected “Treat” wasn’t offered? Or have you had a supremely satisfying “living well as revenge” moment?

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