Liking, Liking, and Like-Liking

Liking rule:  We are more inclined to green light requests from people we like or have rapport with than those we don’t. Similarity (or likeness) is one predictor of liking–but there are others. We tend to perceive people we like as trustworthy, sincere, and genuine.

So far our walk through the social influence model we have touched on how we look to others to validate our perspective (social validation), how we seek to be fair in how we give and take from others (reciprocity) and how we prefer to be in alignment with our thoughts, words and behavior (consistency)–now we take on something most of us don’t always want to admit to ourselves–that when we like someone we are more inclined to go along with their requests–and that things such as physical attractiveness, similarity, and compliments can determine who we like and who we feel we don’t like. None of us–especially in the workplace–really wants to admit that we are prone to feel “like” towards someone we find attractive and we definitely don’t want to be persuaded by someone kissing our butts! And yet deep down we all kinda know we are vulnerable to the same human tendencies towards liking.  

While liking is a pretty easy concept to wrap our heads around, it is also one of the most formidable areas for leaders and managers. For example, while liking can play a helpful role in motivating people towards a task or goal, it can also make it hard to hold people accountable due to fear of being “unlikable”.  

This can be a particularly dizzying challenge for Black employees and women who are–according to research–more likely to be reprimanded for characteristics connected to liking than others who are members of the traditional in-group. One of the more well researched areas of this phenomenon in the workplace is termed the “backlash effect”. The term backlash effect refers to the costs, economic and otherwise, of behaving counter-stereotypically in the workplace. For example, in a recent study researchers found “self-promotion (a counter-stereotypical behavior) by Black employees was associated with lower job performance and person-organization fit ratings…compared to White, Hispanic, and Asian employees.” 

In a rich body of research authors such as Laurie A. Rudman have explored the choice women often have to make between being liked and being respected. I have worked with many women over the years who have felt that tension and described their paths with phrases like “walking a tight rope” and acknowledged that it takes significant cognitive energy to manage impressions in the workplace in order to strike the right balance between being “liked” and being seen as “competent” and “respected”.

One of the touchstone moments in my life happened while working on my dissertation on women leaders. I was reading about research on concepts like the backlash effect and stereotype threat daily—like hundreds of pages! While trying to hone in on my research question my dissertation chair asked me a personal question out of the blue. He said “why do you care if people like you or not?” This struck me as profound because we were not talking about me and yet this brilliant “dark side” psychologist saw right through my intellectualization to an internal and emotional struggle I was facing as a leader—how do I balance being liked with being agentic and speaking up? 

I realized I was passionate about my research because it applied not only to the women leaders I was so excited to support, but to myself as well. Over the years since I have had the opportunity to work with and learn with many women in leadership who are changing the game and showing up as their whole selves creating a whole new template for what leadership and “likeness” looks like. They have taught me that while challenges exist with our tendency to feel good towards others who are like us externally, we can look towards similarity in purpose as one path towards a broader sense of liking. 

If you are up for the challenge, take a look around your company and honestly assess if you are creating the kind of environment where people of differing backgrounds can find “likeness” and build rapport and energy around your organization’s vision and mission. If you are—awesome, celebrate that!—you have a competitive advantage in leveraging your employees’ whole selves at work. 

If you are not, I challenge you to action and ask you to consider: How can we do better to align our people around a common purpose?