Sometimes you've got to get Grandma involved

Social Validation Rule: People are often more willing to comply with a request for behavior if it is consistent with what others like us are thinking or doing. 

In previous blogs, we shared a couple of classic viral AITA (Am I the Asshole) posts and connected the social psychology constructs of Social Influence and Affiliation to our seemingly odd desires to post our private troubles and vulnerabilities anonymously on the internet for anyone to read.  

Social Validation: My theory is that the primary reason readers and posters alike flock to AITA is the phenomenon of Social Validation. Social Validation is the drive to evaluate yourself against others. Social comparison theory tells us that people prefer to use objective cues to make their self evaluations—if those cues are not available people will rely on social comparison instead. When seeking social comparison people look for  others like us as the go-to basis for comparison. Humans tend to look around and see what other people, particularly the ones they identify with,  are doing as they decide what they should be doing. How many times have you shown up for an event and looked around to make sure you are dressed accordingly and not overly dressed or too casual to fit in with the similar others in the room? Have you ever joined a group that was eating and you started munching too even though you just ate?

A favorite example from my own life experience happened at an airport. As we deplaned in Negril, Jamaica and folks started to queue up for Customs Agents a line developed to one side of the room while the other side remained totally empty. When I asked my fellow travelers why everyone was queuing up for the same couple of agents while there were several available agents, everyone just said they were following the crowd and assumed the people in front of them must know what they were doing. Husband and I went to the agent without a line and were sipping rum drinks a short time later while the couple we actually traveled with were still waiting in the same long line! 

Which brings us to this blog’s AITA example: 

AITA for crying at dinner on purpose to embarrass my dad and brother?  

“I know the title sounds ridiculous, but there’s context!

I’m currently in high school and I live with my dad and brother (my mom’s not in the picture anymore). While I’m not very close with my father, he’s not a bad dad. He’s just a little old fashioned so he’s closer to my brother (they have the same hobbies, etc.).

Onto the problem: I don’t know how it started, but for the past couple of months both my dad and my brother will start teasing me about “that time of the month” any time I even get remotely irritated or upset at them. For example, my brother ate a snack of mine that I was saving, and when I got mad he just joked, “oh no, is it that time again” in a super annoying voice.

I’ve kept trying to tell them separately and together that it’s really annoying and offensive, and I feel like they’re totally minimizing how I feel about things. I feel I had valid reasons for being annoyed about. They just brush it off even MORE and chalk it up to my period no matter what time of the month it is.

Well, yesterday we had dinner with my whole family on my dad’s side for my aunt’s birthday. Before the dinner I got in a huge fight with my brother because he broke my iPad and instead of apologizing he just said the whole “time of the month thing”. I can admit that by the time we got to my Grandma’s house I was pretty pissed.

My cousin asked me what was wrong during dinner and before I could explain my brother interrupted with “oh its just lady problems”.

I usually just ignore him or hold things in, but I had enough and just started bawling. I can admit that I kind of went HAM on purpose to cause a scene, and it freaked my whole family out. My aunt asked my dad why I was so upset, and when he didn’t know I told my aunt, “It’s just lady reasons according to dad and brother.”

My aunt and grandma were PISSED at my dad and brother and they totally got reamed at the dinner table. It was a whole “thing” and I could tell they were super embarrassed.

Later that night my brother and dad said I was an AH for causing a scene and embarrassing them, but I said that I was just acting like how they always say I do. I guess I didn’t have to do it during dinner, but it wasn’t like I planned it.”

Ok, so every AITA post has an element of social validation— I chose this one because it doesn’t seem to be about social validation on the surface, but this story boils down to her feelings being seen as valid only because she had to bring in others like her to validate her own experience. 

Additionally, her sibling and father were using social validation to reinforce each other’s insensitive and misogynistic behavior.

(P.S.: The internet strongly agreed that dad and brother are very much the AH.)

Social Validation theory is why leaders have to pay attention to behavioral norms and how they take shape in their organization. Often I hear leaders describe behaviors happening in their workforce that they don’t understand, but when we start to examine what is validated as a social norm it often leads to that “ah ha” moment of discovery. For example, if people look around at lunch time and notice everyone is eating at their desks and not taking a break, they will likely eat at their desk or be worried that others will question their behavior. 

I remember in one of my early 20s jobs I looked up from my work and everyone else was gone, after this happened a few times I went looking for everyone else and learned that it was “smoke break” time and even those who were non-smokers were outside taking a break and building their connections to each other (i.e. gossiping about the bosses). I never did smoke, but I did figure out that this informal meeting was essential to being a part of the team.  

Sometimes it is the new person who has the greatest ability to “see” what is really going on because they are actively looking around to see what others are doing, wearing, eating, etc. to make sure they know how to behave in that setting.

Let’s start the discussion.

How has the culture and expectation of groups in your office affected your experience within that group? What difficulties have you faced when navigating social validation in your world?

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